Dancing in the Dark

It is absolutely amazing to me how a little baby can change your entire life, overnight. My darling baby has taken me for quite a ride over the past two weeks. As she and I visited my parent's house, we were calm, taken care of, sleeping, and generally existing in a very harmonious state. As soon as we returned to our home in Atlanta, she changed her tune. Of course I have no idea why although I have spent countless hours trying to figure it out.
I have become a student of the "irrational science of the newborn". Every day I come up with some new theory as to why my child wants to be awake from 3am until 10am. And every night this child changes her modus operandi and I have to recalculate. I think I have finally figured out how to prepare a bottle so that I do not have to change her clothes every time she eats. She really does not like to have me wrestling with the tiny onesies in the dead of night as she is more awake at that point than I am.
I really think that if I just committed to staying awake all night and didn't even try to go to bed, that I would be better than I am now. As the evening hours approach I become anxious just thinking about drifting off to sleep only to be woken by cries of, what? hunger? No, I just fed her. Wetness? No, I just changed her. Gas? No, she just burped and spit up all over my back. Is there a party going on that I did not know about? Yes, yes, that is it. In my "adult time" when it gets really dark it seems appropriate to crawl into bed beside my husband and dream. In the parallel "baby time" it is appropriate to fall asleep for approximately 15 minutes and then wake up and fidget for an hour, sleep for 15 and then fidget for another hour, eat, fall asleep while eating, sleep for 15, and then fidget until the sun comes up. After the sun comes up, it seems perfectly sane to then fall asleep for 4 straight hours.
"You really should try to sleep when the baby sleeps." Yes, yes, I am doing that. But for some reason at the age that I am, I just feel a bit lazy when I wake up at 3 in the afternoon and haven't even eaten breakfast. If I were in college this would seem so normal, not now though. So, tonight I am not even going to put on my pajamas. I am going to stay in my jeans and t-shirt and wait for the party to start. If there is no party, well, I'm going to have to rethink all the coca-cola I've been drinking!

There's Been a Change in My Shoe Size

I don't even know how long it has been since the "Barefoot Princess" last entered words here, but it has been long enough to warrant a complete blog name change and purpose I assure you. Oh how arrogant I was to call myself a princess, even if I was barefoot! As I type these words I am indeed barefoot, but I do not have anything close to a pedicure and I haven't worn heels in almost a year! Quell horror! For the past nine months my body has not been my own--I have shared it with a baby who was born two weeks ago. She is now the reigning barefoot princess and I relinquish my title with pleasure! She has my feet, her father's nose, her namesake's lips, and her very own little personality. To say my world has been turned upside down would be an understatement. The life I led before my daughter was born seems so very far away. The contentment and peace that has taken over my soul is vast and oh so lovely. The beautiful baby that rests next to me in her bluebird bassinet has taken possession of my heart and I will never, ever, be the same. When I am ready, I will journey out of the house with my daughter. And I will delight in being able to put my unswollen feet into my leopard print Celine flats instead of those practical black flip-flops!

Out of Whack

Okay, I'll be the first to admit that in my last post I was a bit "over the top", but that's me sometimes. And I always come back down, if not to earth, to a place that is not as quite as high. However at the present, my beautiful "balance" has been turned upside down and I am morose and depressed to say the least. I went too far, I just pushed too much and am now saddled with an aching foot. I know, I know, when will she ever learn?

The truth is that I loved every minute that I was pushing myself, loved every minute of sweat and loved every minute of pain. I loved the fact that I was working hard at something--if I had been knitting all day long, it would have been the same. I set a goal and I was working towards it. Some of my goals are not all that realistic--I acknowledge that. But sometimes I set good goals and just want to get to them too quickly. It is this intense pace that I do love, that also gets me into trouble.

"Watch and wait", "be patient",--neither of these are virtues of mine. I lose my energy and my focus, I get tired and I get irritated. There is something in my life that I am supposed to be patient with right now and I am not doing a very good job. I am setting myself up for a major disappointment. Since I am aware of this, why not relax and just let things go? And lose the imagined control I have over the situation? Oh no, I don't think so! I really should though....I really should let go and know that everything will come to fruition in due time. (Note to self: please work on this while you are resting.)

I am wearing the most god-awful pants today. I am absolutely embarrassed that I bought these pants and have been wearing them for over a month now. They are 100% polyester and rayon, they are full of static, they are big, they puddle around my shoes, and even though they are black, they do NOT make me look thin. This has been depressing me all day long. Every time I get into the elevator and look at myself in those doors, I just want to melt into the floor and disappear. Or else rush home and have a free pass to "re-do" the entire day in a new and more appropriate outfit. (I maintain that my quality of life would be loads better if I could wear jeans every day.) I am now aware of the effects that ugly and ill-fitting clothes have on me. I would be better off just wearing the one pair of wonderfully-made, well-fitting pants that I do own and love, every day! Perhaps I should just find those same pants in a different color and....you get the point.

As for my sad expression, I will takes things in stride and not overreact. I will return to the pool perhaps, that never hurt anyone, right? Or perhaps I will finally finish Revolutionary Road and move on to a new book. U2 has a new album coming out tomorrow--that's good, yes? There is always sun to be found, somewhere in the world.

Take Care Now

My, oh my it has been a long time since I've written here. I've missed transferring my thoughts into keystrokes and spaces, letters and dashes....My life has kept me busy and I am happier now than I ever have been in my life thus far. I know, I know, that is a pretty big statement, but I have no reservations in saying it. And if I should die tonight in my sleep I would die a happy woman with only a few regrets.

My mood has lifted and I am embracing each day tightly, knowing that I am a lucky individual. I have a job, I have a home, I have a magnificent family, and I am loved. Even further, I love without bounds a man who will go down in history as one of the most influential people in my life. No matter what may come.

I am at the beginning of an addiction. Do not fear--it is a very healthy addiction. I am addicted to movement. I am addicted to pushing my body further and further, knowing that there are no limits to what I can do. I stand on the treadmill and I begin the run and I know that I am present, fully present. I kick off from the side and feel the cool water run over me as I swoosh and swish and know that I am fully present. And every day I accomplish a new goal, even if it is just to get up and get moving. I have written exhaustively on my swimming, this topic has been covered. However, my focus has widened and is not so very singular any more. I am in love with the mere movement of my body, no matter what it is doing. I crave it like food addicts crave chocolate cake and cheeseburgers. To those who know me, it sounds absolutely crazy.

I have been a "nester" all of my life--so happy to curl up in my bed and read and watch tv and sleep--never wanting anything more, content, satisfied, and also complacent. I have drive now and it goes beyond just exercise. This drive keeps my mood high and I feel confident that I can deal with anything that comes across my path. In the past I have felt fragile and I think I have been treated just like that, like a fragile woman, ready to break at any moment if the wrong thing was said or done. Now? Now? I am strong. I am motivated. I am singing out loud in the car again. I am pushing my mind as well as my body to stay focused, to stay positive, to enjoy the nuances of life, the little things and the big things.

And it is all about balance I think. I wrote about balance before yes? I think it is so important to have balance in your life. To have as many goals as you do accomplishments, to have as many things to look forward to as you have memories to look back upon, to have as many days of sun as you do rain....I am listening right now to my love singing in his "studio" and there is a smile on my face. He is living out his passions and he is putting a spring into his own step.

In these often dire days we have to take care of ourselves and each other and move towards better things.

Swimming

"How will I recognize you?" said my dad after I told him of my latest feat--60 laps in the pool, 40 minutes of (mostly) continuous swimming. I have managed finally to surprise him with something good.

I keep my fingers together and hold out my thumb to carve my way through the water as I swim up and down the pool--I feel weightless and able. I try to remember how I was taught the free stroke at Camp Greystone all those years ago. I try to not bring my head out of the water as I turn my head to take a breath. I try to forget everything but pushing myself through the water to one end and then to the other. I don't forget about my partner silently swimming next to me. And when I step out of the pool I feel like I can conquer the world.

Swimming is something I have always wanted to do, but never had the chance. I think if I had gone to a high school with a swimming team, I would have been on that team. The high that I get from swimming I get from nothing else in this world. Walking and running pale in comparison to the sense of accomplishment I get from swimming. My body doesn't ache when I finish swimming; instead it feels renewed and refreshed. There is also something about being up at 5:30 in the morning. You feel as though you've gotten a head start on the day--like you have already won the race before you even began! To my surprise it seems to come naturally to me to do this. In college I wouldn't dream of going to bed before midnight and would never make it through the day if I got up before 9. My how things have changed. And even though I have been rising earlier and earlier since I became joined the work force, love, unexpected, is the biggest cause for change.

What about that love? Has it diminished any since my first encounter with it? Not one bit. My love has only gotten deeper. It has become a part of me that I don't recognize myself without. Emerson said, "We are what we think about all day long." I am love. Elusive as it once seemed, now it holds me tight and lets me know everything's going to be okay this time. It whispers to me sweet and tender words of encouragement. I am beyond amazed.

"In tandem"--that's how it works for me. I am perfectly able to live on my own and by myself and will return to that life style if that is what life demands of me. However, I choose another way. I choose to be a part of "together". I choose to dance with love this time. I choose everything that goes along with it--the laughter, the tears, the swimming, and the scallops! Amazing. Absolutely amazing. With dark hair and a smile, I am taken in....with a guitar and a song, I am saved.